im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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