Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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