i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
