I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
All I want is dick and wine.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
