Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
