I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
