I'm jealous of your bromance
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
