i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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