He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
