you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
