I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
