stop calling my apartment porn island.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
