i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
