I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
