The maid of honor just puked.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
