I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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