I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My vagina is officially offended.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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