Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
