The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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