Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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