Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
