My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
