I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
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