I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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