When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
