I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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