Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
