1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
