the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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