my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
