Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
