just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
