I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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