Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
