i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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