oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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