dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
