got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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