I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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