My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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