You can't special order awesome
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
