Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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