Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
