So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
