Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
