Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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