just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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