look no pants
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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