My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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