I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
