I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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