i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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