Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
