Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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